What Are You Living For?

Want to know what I love about the Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints? The fact that we are encouraged and enabled to repent of our mistakes and weaknesses and become better people through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It allows us, imperfect people, to right our wrongs and strive to become perfect through Christ. Something that I have needed and been able to use just these past two days.

Yesterday I had an overwhelming day. There were things I learned from my online history class that made me think about past choices. We've been learning a lot about the early economy and about public and economic virtue, which has really made me contemplate how honest I have been with the people around me and come to terms that I am definitely no where near perfect. And then later yesterday night I witnessed Lydia choking on a small object while she sat right next to me. Not gagging, but choking - the quiet serious kind. You have no idea how quick your sense of love for someone deepens until something bad is happening and how fast your heart races in such a serious situation. Last night was terrible.  After this situation, that could have been totally avoidable had I just paid closer attention, all I wanted to do was hold her close. After we got the object out I cried.. and she watched me cry which made her cry and we cried and held each other close for a very long time until she fell asleep in my arms. I continued to hold her and weep for another 30 minutes just staring at her angelic face and thanking God for His hand in all things. My heart was surely filled to the brim with gratitude. He protected her when I failed to do so. This memory still pains my heart and stings my tears as I think about how scary it was. I felt like a total failure. In fact, that's how I've been feeling about a lot of things lately.. with my bad grades on tests and how I feel like I should be doing better for the effort I've been putting in, the feelings I have about certain group members and how I should have more compassion on people, especially not knowing their circumstances, and then last night's situation. You could say I've been a bit overcome with grief and sorrow (being pregnant and emo doesn't help either - haha).

With this sense of Godly sorrow, knowing I have offended God by my actions and neglect, I feel like it is also exactly what I needed to change myself. I realized I need to truly put 100% into my school work, and not just for an A. I love what I'm learning but I also feel like I'm too focused on just getting an A. I need to realign my will with God's and remember that all people need to be loved, despite their setbacks and to be a more watchful guardian of my little one(s). And I also need to realize that the road to perfection comes with a lot of mistakes and shortcomings, yet Christ makes up for what we I lack. I am so thankful for that and for His endless mercy towards me and my family. I am so blessed. This sorrow has wrought a change within me. I want to take in every moment of Lydia's childhood, and not take anything for granted. I cherish every kiss, every "luh-you" spoken from her lips, and every cuddle time. I put things down to make time for her, because she's worth it.

This quote, that I put up on our whiteboard in our kitchen, has helped me focus more on the important things lately. It has helped me guide my actions to do things that would be worthwhile of Christ's blood and sacrifice.

Is What You're Living For WORTH What Christ Died For?