Abundantly Blessed

♪Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad. I missed you so bad. I missed you so, so bad.♪

smiling? ooor grinding her teeth... the latter.

So I had one of those moments today. 

I frequently play with Lydia throughout the day while Jonathan is gone at school. Even though I'm an adult, I still love getting down on all fours and growling at her belly before I pretend to bite into it, or sing along with the songs on her musical toys. But, rarely does she find herself sitting in my arms for longer than 2 minutes (unless we're watching Strawberry Shortcake on Netflix. A rather annoying show, besides the catchy theme song, but it's still fun. She rarely can sit through it either.) 

So that is why I cherish nursing time with her. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to wean her because she likes the stuff so darn much! (Sorry to gross ya out but, oh well!) But, at the same time, I get her in my arms and her attention for the whole 15..or usually 5 minutes that she gives me. And sometimes it's hard thinking that that precious time will be replaced by time drinking from a sippy cup full of cow's milk...Sigh.. little girl please don't grow up... Well, today, like usual, she ended up falling asleep while eating which gave me the perfect time to behold my little one. Usually when she falls asleep I quickly lay her down because she favors sleeping on her stomach and to me, I think that's more comfortable for her. And after I lay her down I go back to whatever I was doing previously.

 But, today I stared at her for a little bit, while she lay in my trusting arms and dreamt of what only babies dream of. I looked at her perfect face with soft tan cheeks, with her long, dark, slightly curly locks framing her head. I looked at her arms curled up to her chest and her clothes with the residue of snacks still there. I saw her feet crossed as they always are with her tiny painted pink toes. She was so calm and still. Just her chest moving up and down. A little ball of innocence.

And when I finally got up to put her into bed, I lingered at her crib with her in my arms and thought to myself, "Your birthday is in a few weeks. You're gonna be 1 year old." And I looked at her body, so much bigger than she had been only 346 days ago, and admired the handywork of life. The most resounding thought came into my mind - I made this. I made this! - I made this little creature. And as the days go by, life goes on. We grow, we learn, and we change constantly. I made this little creature and she is already (almost) one year into her life. Sometimes I look at myself and think.. I have a kid!? I'm only 22 and have a child. How did I get so lucky?

One of my favorite passages from the Book of Mormon is from 3^rd Nephi: 17 where when the Savior visited the American continents, he reached out to the children. It says "...And he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And when he had done this he wept...  And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones." Elder M. Russell Ballard has taught us the importance of the Savior's admonition to "Behold your little ones" when he said: "Notice that He didn't say 'glance at them' or 'casually observe them' or 'occasionally take a look in their general direction.' He said to behold them. To me that means that we should embrace them with our eyes and with our hearts; we should see and appreciate them for who they really are: spirit children of our Heavenly Father, with divine attributes.” 

Sometimes it's weird, because even though I know I'm her mom, when I simply look (not behold) at her, I still feel slightly disconnected because she has more of Jonathan's features, than mine (besides girl parts - Haha! - inside joke with Jonathan and Amy) and it's weird seeing myself, a white girl, with a little brown baby. You probably don't understand, and it's kind of weird to explain and I can't really explain it on paper. It just is what it is. I guess in my head, most kids resemble their parents for the most part. They're born in the likeness and image of their parents. I look like I adopted her from Mexico haha. Nevertheless, there's no doubt she knows who Mama is (she's basically attached at my leg all day), which is quite comforting. I never get upset at the thought that she wants to be near me all the time. I actually welcome that. I never get to miss a beat.

I find everything that Lydia does meaningful and entertaining. She is a free spirit, experiencing life for the first time. And it’s like I get to re-experience my childhood through her. You don’t remember much about childhood while you’re young and doing it, so being able to observe someone else all the time is quite fascinating. I get excited for all the new things she accomplishes, like lately, standing on her own. When I behold my little one I see her for all the potential and possibility of being a wonderful lady in the future. I see her for who she really is. I see her Divinity; she's a Daughter of a King.

 Whoever said being a parent is lame, was really misjudging this wonderful experience. 
 
Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder if part of it is a dream. I have a great marriage, a wonderful husband who makes me laugh and we have fun together. I had a perfect pregnancy, labor and delivery (seriously, not lying), and I have a perfect, healthy, smart baby. Sometimes I think it's too good to be true. How could I possibly be worthy enough to deserve somebody so perfect? Honestly? How did I get so lucky? I am not anyone perfect, I’m not incredibly smart or knowledgeable about the world, and I make my share of mistakes. I don't do everything I should or could for others and I could probably try harder to be a better friend. I need to work on my eating and exercise (and sleeping!) habits. And I need to better myself more in the Gospel. So sometimes I wonder how I deserve to be blessed so abundantly? 

Could you resist a face like that looking up at you every day?

Sometimes I wonder that if it's so great now, the hard times are just waiting ahead for me, and how will I be strong enough to face the storm? Especially when I've been enjoying the calm shallow waters for so long.