These next few thoughts haunted me last night.
I was about to go to sleep when I started thinking about my day..and my actions.. and how I treated my child. I was very displeased.
I have previously said on facebook how none of my disciplining techniques seem to work. I don't know about other moms..but I am having the hardest time between getting Lydia to understand consequences to her actions and disciplining her in righteousness. I don't want to have to reach my breaking point before I think she gets the point. That would be too much to bear for myself. But I do want to teach.
I was thinking about my day and I started to feel so wracked with guilt. A few days ago I talked to Jonathan and asked him what happens to people when they hurt/murder children (totally unrelated, but his answer popped up in my head last night). He then quoted scripture in Matthew 18 which says, "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." It doesn't say murder.. It says offend. They are that precious to Him. And I'm pretty sure I offended her a few times.
Yesterday, when Lydia touched the plunger stick in the bathroom, I accidentally pushed her down to take it away from her. She screamed at me.. and while trying to brush off her little tantrum, I realized how mean I had been. I didn't need to push her, but I did. Then later, when I had had a little argument with Jonathan, I sat on my bed quietly thinking. She was saying, "Mama.. Mommy.. Moooommmy..Mommy...mama MAMA!!!" over and over because I didn't reply once. After a while I said, "WHAT!?" in my lack of patience. Even though she was hardly phased by my shortness with her, I felt terrible. Why was I so short with her? What did she do wrong? Indeed, it was I. Later, when she broke a Christmas ornament over the kitchen floor, I swatted her butt away so I could clean it up without her getting hurt (ironic, huh?). She didn't even flinch, or cry. I guess I just want her to understand already, that it's not good. I don't want to keep punishing her. I don't like doing it..and obviously it's not working. I hate the person that I become when I hurt her, especially when I feel like she didn't even "learn her lesson." Ugh..
Last night, I was stick to my stomach. While Jonathan slept I prayed for divine guidance to help me help her. I wet my pillow with my tears..and it still pains me to write this thinking of how I tarnished her. She used to be so sweet all the time. I never had or needed to slap her hand. She never threw fits or hit or said "no." Even when she did wrong, I understood it was because she is a baby. It was me who taught her to behave certainly. It was my example. I don't like seeing my bad parenting reflected in Lydia.
I wish I had never slapped her hand when she spilled her milk. She now hits me and Jonathan in the face, arms, or legs.
I wish I had never told her "no!no!no!no!" She now points to her baby doll, who does nothing wrong, and tells her "no!no!no!no!"
I don't want her to hit people. I don't want her to throw fits. I don't want her to say no. And nothing I do now reverses that. I have told Jonathan I am not hitting her anymore on the hand when she spills her milk, instead I make her clean it up. But it doesn't change anything. When she's upset she still hits me. I am hoping that love will take over that bad habit in time.
I will say, however, that today, after remembering my thoughts last night, I decided to approach her differently. When she took ornaments off the tree, I tried my best to discipline with kindness. I tried to be patient. And I let her take the plastic ones off and play with them, without getting upset. When she broke my little snowglobe and water and glass got all over the kitchen floor, I just cleaned it up. I know now that no amount of pretending to cry to show it hurt my feelings, or slapping her hand, or swatting her butt, or saying "no" is going to do anything. Sure, I don't have a $1.00 snowglobe anymore, but that doesn't really matter. We had less anger, and no tears.
I want my daughter to be kind. I want her to be patient. And I want her to love others. But I have to do and be that first.
One awesome thing my bishop in my ward has taught me while ago, as I sat in his office, was this:
I was about to go to sleep when I started thinking about my day..and my actions.. and how I treated my child. I was very displeased.
I have previously said on facebook how none of my disciplining techniques seem to work. I don't know about other moms..but I am having the hardest time between getting Lydia to understand consequences to her actions and disciplining her in righteousness. I don't want to have to reach my breaking point before I think she gets the point. That would be too much to bear for myself. But I do want to teach.
I was thinking about my day and I started to feel so wracked with guilt. A few days ago I talked to Jonathan and asked him what happens to people when they hurt/murder children (totally unrelated, but his answer popped up in my head last night). He then quoted scripture in Matthew 18 which says, "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." It doesn't say murder.. It says offend. They are that precious to Him. And I'm pretty sure I offended her a few times.
Yesterday, when Lydia touched the plunger stick in the bathroom, I accidentally pushed her down to take it away from her. She screamed at me.. and while trying to brush off her little tantrum, I realized how mean I had been. I didn't need to push her, but I did. Then later, when I had had a little argument with Jonathan, I sat on my bed quietly thinking. She was saying, "Mama.. Mommy.. Moooommmy..Mommy...mama MAMA!!!" over and over because I didn't reply once. After a while I said, "WHAT!?" in my lack of patience. Even though she was hardly phased by my shortness with her, I felt terrible. Why was I so short with her? What did she do wrong? Indeed, it was I. Later, when she broke a Christmas ornament over the kitchen floor, I swatted her butt away so I could clean it up without her getting hurt (ironic, huh?). She didn't even flinch, or cry. I guess I just want her to understand already, that it's not good. I don't want to keep punishing her. I don't like doing it..and obviously it's not working. I hate the person that I become when I hurt her, especially when I feel like she didn't even "learn her lesson." Ugh..
Last night, I was stick to my stomach. While Jonathan slept I prayed for divine guidance to help me help her. I wet my pillow with my tears..and it still pains me to write this thinking of how I tarnished her. She used to be so sweet all the time. I never had or needed to slap her hand. She never threw fits or hit or said "no." Even when she did wrong, I understood it was because she is a baby. It was me who taught her to behave certainly. It was my example. I don't like seeing my bad parenting reflected in Lydia.
I wish I had never slapped her hand when she spilled her milk. She now hits me and Jonathan in the face, arms, or legs.
I wish I had never told her "no!no!no!no!" She now points to her baby doll, who does nothing wrong, and tells her "no!no!no!no!"
I don't want her to hit people. I don't want her to throw fits. I don't want her to say no. And nothing I do now reverses that. I have told Jonathan I am not hitting her anymore on the hand when she spills her milk, instead I make her clean it up. But it doesn't change anything. When she's upset she still hits me. I am hoping that love will take over that bad habit in time.
I will say, however, that today, after remembering my thoughts last night, I decided to approach her differently. When she took ornaments off the tree, I tried my best to discipline with kindness. I tried to be patient. And I let her take the plastic ones off and play with them, without getting upset. When she broke my little snowglobe and water and glass got all over the kitchen floor, I just cleaned it up. I know now that no amount of pretending to cry to show it hurt my feelings, or slapping her hand, or swatting her butt, or saying "no" is going to do anything. Sure, I don't have a $1.00 snowglobe anymore, but that doesn't really matter. We had less anger, and no tears.
I want my daughter to be kind. I want her to be patient. And I want her to love others. But I have to do and be that first.
One awesome thing my bishop in my ward has taught me while ago, as I sat in his office, was this:
How do you get a bent nail straight?
...
A pat on the back works better than a hit on the head.
Reprooving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved.
{D&C 121:41}
Anna! You are such an amazing person and parent. You are incredibly inspiring and I admire the way you trust in the Lord to guide you in things that you think you need to change. I am now constantly thinking about how my actions will impact Brooklyn and it's by experiences like this that I'm reminded to rely on the Lord for guidance. Thanks for sharing this post. Lydia is a great kid :)
ReplyDeleteAww, thanks Amanda! I really appreciate that! Being a parent is hard sometimes, but it differs in difficulty as they grow haha. When they're real little it's (kinda) hard taking care of them. As they grow up it's a whole new learning experience. :) Ps: I still need to see your baby!!!
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